I fell in love.
It was a foolish thing to do. Especially with the knowledge of my past experience but I have a tendency to repeat mistakes.
It wasn’t a person. No, it was a moment. The moment your eyes barely grazed mine. His voice filled the room, talking of loneliness and the places you find it and feel it most. In this moment I felt it, absolutely, down to my soul, I was never alone with you.
A warmth filled me. A comforting truth glowing like ember. I noticed it immediately, because I have been cold for so long. With icicles that reached out to fill my limbs. Making my hands shake, and my chest hurt. But this moment, I wait so long for moments like this, the ones that almost give me meaning.
I yearned to love you in return. To love myself. Because sometimes I see it in your eyes. Wishing at me, praying for me. Because you’ve seen the darkness, the coldness that can reach my eyes.
You call me wonder. I ask where. I still see the healed, almost invisible scars on my arms. I feel the ghosts of tears that have washed my face countless night. I remember the times that static from violent thoughts overwhelmed my mind and had me willing to do anything to make it stop.
But now, its months later. I’m no better or worse. Caught in, what seems to be, an electrocardiograph of ups and downs.
Still, I stay searching for another moment.