Posted in 2016, Before, Melancholy

#003

I think too much.

I don’t believe I should be left alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time. They wander. They don’t get tired. There’s is an infinite amount of ideas, processes, subjects, minuscule items that there is to think about. My brain, for some odd reason, refuses stop.

I feel I do all this thinking but do nothing with it. I could figure out a plan for my future. Why don’t I pick a major already? All this thinking and you would think I’d have an idea of what I’d like to do by now. Alas, in the great words of Phoebe Buffay, “I don’t even have a pla.”

Honestly contemplating my future stresses me out. I understand it is a stress worthy thing, but sometimes. Most of the time. I cross that line over into the land of too much stress. I don’t know what happens. I will be looking over different ideas or paths I could take. I could be talking to someone about it, and they could be throwing me ideas. Then I’ll get nervous, it gets hard for me to breathe, and then I start feeling bad. Because with all these talks and researching I do, shouldn’t I know what a good plan for me is? Or a plan that I would want to do? I feel guilty then I feel a little mad at myself. Its a whirlwind of those emotions, with a sadness that creeps in.

I understand people react to stress in different ways. I don’t think my way is the best way. I stress over my stressing about things. Its a 7 layer stress dip. But its not delicious.

Recently a question arose among my co-workers. It was a question about whether you worry about your future. The two oldest, when I say oldest they’re the oldest in our team of 5, told us they didn’t. They didn’t have to think about the question. They didn’t worry about it, they told us that they knew it was going to be okay and they would be fine.

I was in awe. How do I get that mentality?

Thinking about it, I started to worry. [ If I could insert a picture of a completely done with myself face, I would.] What if I never stop worrying? What if I go though life having to deal with this level of worry and stress? What if I never each that place of I know I’m going to fine?

What if global warming accelerates and in the next 35 years land masses are getting covered in water?

What if the moon collapses? Where is it going to go? Out in space? Crash onto earth?

What if my college credits don’t transfer?

What if a tropical storm hits the cruise that I’m going on in the fall?

What if my tire blows out on the way to work? That one is reasonable because that spare as been on there for over a month.

What if all the bees die?

What if the planet gets so polluted it turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland like in Mad Max?

How are we ever suppose to reach world peace? We can’t even achieve peace in our own country.

What if a gas station gets caught on fire, while I’m there pumping my gas? I don’t know where the emergency shut off switch is.

What if I fuck every relationship, situation, and plan that I go through in life? How am I going to deal with that regret and disappointment?

What is wrong with me?

Advertisements

Author:

I'm a small town kid wanting to understand the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s