It’s 3 weeks til the end of the semester. I just need to hold my shit together for 3 weeks. Then I can go through whatever mental episode I’ve been holding off for weeks.
It’s bad tonight. All that static and white noise in my brain, then the burning rage because I can’t get it to stop.
Every instinct in me is telling me to tear apart this room, break everything I can, and then proceed to punch a hole in the wall.
But it’s midnight.
And all I want is to get past the anger and the bitterness.
Why the fuck am I like this? Why do I keep failing?
Honestly, I hate writing like this. Because it feels like shit and I see no beauty in the words. It’s me admitting how messed up I am. I’m not ignoring the ugly parts. It’s all the jagged pieces poking through and I can see all the damage. And I hate it. I hate looking at myself and saying I need to get it together, because I’ve been saying that for the last 6 years. I’m tired of dealing with the same depression. The same thoughts, the same questions, the same fears. Fuck. You think some progress would’ve been made.
You think writing it out would help. Getting it out would release some of it. But it doesn’t. I’m just as angry. I still can’t think. My brain hasn’t slowed down.
It’s midnight and I’m burning.