There’s a strange sense of relief.
I say strange because I don’t understand how it came about.
This relief came over me the day after a meltdown. The night before the cracks in my walls were widened, leaving me exposed. I still feel them today, tender, constantly making me flinch. But also, it feels as if a warmth is touching me. Like the sun on your face after being inside all day.
“I’m fine!” I shouted into the abyss. My deep breathes and silence was all that was left. I shouted again. No response, not even an echo.
I waited. I waited days and nights. The sun would set and darkness engulfed me. In the morning I’d be surrounded by swirls of mist and fog. I waited for an answer.
Doubt began to creep in. I started to think I truly was alone, that my efforts were foolish. I was a fool for believing in the words of old. “The abyss will also gaze into you.”
Discouragement overcame me. I did not leave though, for there was nowhere else for me to go.
One dawn, before the sun had awaken, as I sat near the edge. Mist curling and unfolding around my figure. Looking beyond. Thoughts of defeat filled my mind, just as times before, and with a sigh I whispered to myself, “I’m fine.”
Suddenly, I heard it. The softest of replies. I peered downward, seeking the voice. I heard it again. My heart quickened. Had my patience finally paid off? Truly, was I not alone in the darkness of my soul?
A warm touch came upon my shoulder. So gently I did not notice at first. But this caress was not from the abyss in front of me.
I turned and the warmth fell upon my face. The sun had just begun to peek over the horizon. Bright and burning.
“Are you okay?”
Sometimes all that’s left is sadness.
It’s night. I look over all that I haven’t accomplished and all my failures. It weighs on me. I am weary. I should’ve been better, stronger.
Now there is nothing left.
I wish I was past this. There are days and weeks I feel like I’ve made improvement, that I’m moving forward. Then a week like this comes along. Without warning, those dark clouds are back, surrounding me and my thoughts. All hope, all positive thinking seem to be swept away.
I am very tired, and I cannot sleep because tears burn my eyes.