There’s a strange sense of relief.

I say strange because I don’t understand how it came about.

This relief came over me the day after a meltdown. The night before the cracks in my walls were widened, leaving me exposed. I still feel them today, tender, constantly making me flinch. But also, it feels as if a warmth is touching me. Like the sun on your face after being inside all day.


 

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#009

“I’m fine!” I shouted into the abyss. My deep breathes and silence was all that was left. I shouted again. No response, not even an echo.

I waited. I waited days and nights. The sun would set and darkness engulfed me. In the morning I’d be surrounded by swirls of mist and fog. I waited for an answer.

Doubt began to creep in. I started to think I truly was alone, that my efforts were foolish. I was a fool for believing in the words of old. “The abyss will also gaze into you.”

Discouragement overcame me. I did not leave though, for there was nowhere else for me to go.

One dawn, before the sun had awaken, as I sat near the edge. Mist curling and unfolding around my figure. Looking beyond. Thoughts of defeat filled my mind, just as times before, and with a sigh I whispered to myself, “I’m fine.”

Suddenly, I heard it. The softest of replies. I peered downward, seeking the voice. I heard it again. My heart quickened. Had my patience finally paid off? Truly, was I not alone in the darkness of my soul?

A warm touch came upon my shoulder. So gently I did not notice at first. But this caress was not from the abyss in front of me.

I turned and the warmth fell upon my face. The sun had just begun to peek over the horizon. Bright and burning.

“Are you okay?”

 

#007

Sometimes all that’s left is sadness.

It’s night. I look over all that I haven’t accomplished and all my failures. It weighs on me. I am weary.  I should’ve been better, stronger.

Now there is nothing left.

I wish I was past this. There are days and weeks I feel like I’ve made improvement, that I’m moving forward. Then a week like this comes along. Without warning, those dark clouds are back, surrounding me and my thoughts. All hope, all positive thinking seem to be  swept away.

I am very tired, and I cannot sleep because tears burn my eyes.