Posted in Journal Excerpt, Melancholy

#009

“I’m fine!” I shouted into the abyss. My deep breathes and silence was all that was left. I shouted again. No response, not even an echo.

I waited. I waited days and nights. The sun would set and darkness engulfed me. In the morning I’d be surrounded by swirls of mist and fog. I waited for an answer.

Doubt began to creep in. I started to think I truly was alone, that my efforts were foolish. I was a fool for believing in the words of old. “The abyss will also gaze into you.”

Discouragement overcame me. I did not leave though, for there was nowhere else for me to go.

One dawn, before the sun had awaken, as I sat near the edge. Mist curling and unfolding around my figure. Looking beyond. Thoughts of defeat filled my mind, just as times before, and with a sigh I whispered to myself, “I’m fine.”

Suddenly, I heard it. The softest of replies. I peered downward, seeking the voice. I heard it again. My heart quickened. Had my patience finally paid off? Truly, was I not alone in the darkness of my soul?

A warm touch came upon my shoulder. So gently I did not notice at first. But this caress was not from the abyss in front of me.

I turned and the warmth fell upon my face. The sun had just begun to peek over the horizon. Bright and burning.

“Are you okay?”

 

Posted in 2017, Melancholy

#006

I reminisce a lot. I go over where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and how I’ve felt. I try to make sense of my past to try and understand why I’m here. Why I’m like this. Am I better than before? Or worse? Have I made progress?

Sometimes, I do it just to make sure I’m real. Silly notion I suppose. Things can get so convoluted, some days I feel like smoke. I can’t seem to grasp who I am. The past and future don’t even register as blips on the map.

Even that same day will feel unknown. Imagine floating in space, but with out the stars and light. Directionless, aimless, you can’t tell if you’re even moving or not.

Recently reminiscing, I found a poem or free verse I had written my first year at college, about having a panic attack at Chick-fil-A.

Community place
friends, family, co-workers
Every table has that
I sit alone, company of a book
And a voiceless phone
Rabble of voices over shadow me
Hordes of patrons break my thoughts
I make no sound
Barely daring to breath
Hands that make no mess
Fearful of a mistake
Tummy rumbles
Fingers tremble
I wait
For courage
Then eyes fill the room
I can’t

I’m definitely not saying, “Hey read this, I think its good.” I  think its rather sub par.

I think its important, as far as case studies go, to have an understanding of the history of the individual.

 

Posted in 2017, After, Melancholy

#005

I’ve just now, started noticing the sky again.

It was a beautiful day. It could’ve been raining or gloomy but I remember it being beautiful. I was warm, down to my core. A peaceful happiness was spreading through me. We had just finished laughing. After nearly a half hour of nonstop talking we settled into a peaceful silence, taking in each others presence.

As one does in shared silences, I stared off into some unknown distance. Perhaps some shade of green caught my eye. I looked back to you and found a solemn countenance watching me.

In moments like these, between intimates, I believe a mood can shift. Even a conversation can take place in silence.

We looked at each other, the way one truly sees another. Past the surface, beyond the facades, right up to the front door of the soul.

There you whispered, “I’ve missed you.”

I know. Me too.

Then you asked, “Where have you been?” Even though you already knew.

Someplace dark.

Posted in 2016, Before, Melancholy

#003

I think too much.

I don’t believe I should be left alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time. They wander. They don’t get tired. There’s is an infinite amount of ideas, processes, subjects, minuscule items that there is to think about. My brain, for some odd reason, refuses stop.

I feel I do all this thinking but do nothing with it. I could figure out a plan for my future. Why don’t I pick a major already? All this thinking and you would think I’d have an idea of what I’d like to do by now. Alas, in the great words of Phoebe Buffay, “I don’t even have a pla.”

Honestly contemplating my future stresses me out. I understand it is a stress worthy thing, but sometimes. Most of the time. I cross that line over into the land of too much stress. I don’t know what happens. I will be looking over different ideas or paths I could take. I could be talking to someone about it, and they could be throwing me ideas. Then I’ll get nervous, it gets hard for me to breathe, and then I start feeling bad. Because with all these talks and researching I do, shouldn’t I know what a good plan for me is? Or a plan that I would want to do? I feel guilty then I feel a little mad at myself. Its a whirlwind of those emotions, with a sadness that creeps in.

I understand people react to stress in different ways. I don’t think my way is the best way. I stress over my stressing about things. Its a 7 layer stress dip. But its not delicious.

Recently a question arose among my co-workers. It was a question about whether you worry about your future. The two oldest, when I say oldest they’re the oldest in our team of 5, told us they didn’t. They didn’t have to think about the question. They didn’t worry about it, they told us that they knew it was going to be okay and they would be fine.

I was in awe. How do I get that mentality?

Thinking about it, I started to worry. [ If I could insert a picture of a completely done with myself face, I would.] What if I never stop worrying? What if I go though life having to deal with this level of worry and stress? What if I never each that place of I know I’m going to fine?

What if global warming accelerates and in the next 35 years land masses are getting covered in water?

What if the moon collapses? Where is it going to go? Out in space? Crash onto earth?

What if my college credits don’t transfer?

What if a tropical storm hits the cruise that I’m going on in the fall?

What if my tire blows out on the way to work? That one is reasonable because that spare as been on there for over a month.

What if all the bees die?

What if the planet gets so polluted it turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland like in Mad Max?

How are we ever suppose to reach world peace? We can’t even achieve peace in our own country.

What if a gas station gets caught on fire, while I’m there pumping my gas? I don’t know where the emergency shut off switch is.

What if I fuck every relationship, situation, and plan that I go through in life? How am I going to deal with that regret and disappointment?

What is wrong with me?