Funny how you might find yourself at 1am pacing the floor, reading, staring at that spot on the ceiling, mindlessly scrolling that LED screen, basically anything but sleeping.
Is it insomnia?
Am I just bored?
I find myself thinking about new beginnings, New Year and all. Not analyzing or anything, just thinking what might happen. Will I finish school? Am I going to stop procrastinating? New job, new place, new friends, new life?
Then I find myself listening to music. To a song, and everyone has one or two, that you can sing, scream, and cry to. I don’t though, because neighbors. I’m nice like that.
After I have that moment, or really many moments, I starting questioning myself. Why do I want to do this trifecta.? What wrong with me? Why don’t you just go to sleep? Perhaps I spend too much time mulling over life’s small tragedies. The doubts and concerns, the cracks in the floor. Because who knows, those cracks might open up and swallow you whole.
I’ll be honest I do let myself wallow at times. I’ll disappear for a few days. I won’t sleep at night. I don’t talk to friends. I’ll cry in the shower, my car, when an onscreen lover comes close to dying. I’ll mull over my regrets and then regret them even more.
I might be low-key depressed. Maybe high-key. Who knows?
All I know for sure, is I got this jar of Mandarin oranges on my table that I can’t open. It’s slightly frustrating. I’ve tried using my might multiple times in the last five hours. I’ve tried hitting it with a spoon. It won’t budge. And I’m really craving these oranges, I can almost taste their succulence on my tongue.
Then an epiphany hit me, in between my bouts with the jar. It’s honestly going to sound really odd when put into words.
Life is like my jar of Mandarin oranges. You have things you want to accomplish, but some days it seems like you’re getting no where. It feels like you’re breaking your wrist trying to open it up. You might think it’s nearly impossible to get there. But you try. You take a break then try again. You try hitting it with a spoon. You’re bummed out. Those dreams or goals are visible in your mind, but it’s so far some times. Then the doubts start sneaking in. Am I ever going to open this jar? Or the one that sneaks in for me most of the time, what if I open this and its bad compared to what I was expecting? What if all this work was a mistake?
Sometimes I think I need a breather from life.
I fear I think too much. I get irritable. I procrastinate. I’m not okay.
What helps me, when I feel this way. I look at the stars, and gaze at clouds. I hold my friends’ hands. I pet my dogs ears. I cry and sing to that song.
I tell myself, “It’s okay I’m not okay, because the world is filled with imperfect people.”
And sometimes I go to bed.